Post roadtrip rants

My feet are burrowed in the sea sand, as I write this from the Kumasamba beach in South La, Accra.

It's been 2 days since my roadtrip and my mind is sneakily wandering back to the land of anxiety and overthinking.

I'm back to stressing over getting a job, so I can make enough to fend for myself. I'm stressing over the fact that I'm 24 so I should be better than this, doing more than I am. I'm back to rationing what's left of my feeding money and being tight with cash. I'm stressing over the inadequacy of my video editing and digital storytelling skills.

But to be honest, all I want right now is to just hide away somewhere, sleep, eat freely and watch movies all day long, with reading intermission or the other way round.

I'm tired of being tired, tired of struggling to stay afloat. The people around me perceive me to be this serious, ambitious, "she's-got-big-things-going-for-her" person when it's actually not the case. I've got nothing important going for me. No big deals or projects on the horizon, no stream of income, no partnerships, nothing COOKING, just waking up each day and reminding myself to breathe.

I said no to 2 job offers because they all made me uncomfortable, and I don't regret it. I chose instead to do a roadtrip with my partner. This trip was a much needed respite from all the restlessness I've been dealing with since I was a teenager. I've always innately felt this insane pressure of being called to “higher things". Mediocrity makes my skin crawl so I've always felt heavily that I'm being called to something higher but the "what" is what I'm still figuring out.

It's good to finally have someone in the flesh, with whom I can share all these dark, repressive thoughts with as the weight of shouldering it all by myself had gotten overbearing.

I should be riding from the high of this trip, instead I'm stressing over life when Kenneth Hagin in the Faith Food devotional I'm using is currently teaching in the month of February to literally not worry about tomorrow, that we should commit our ways to God, trust in Him and watch Him bring it all to pass.

It's very simple, really shouldn't be hard because I've had front row seats to His incredible power to save, time and again, that i remember on a number of occasions, promising never to doubt or lose faith, ever again, but who am I kidding?

And mmmm, the self-doubt has heightened, threatening to spill over and I'm working overtime to keep it in check.

I mean I've always struggled with my self-esteem but this is a new level. The imposter syndrome is through the roof. I've been downplaying my potential, belittling myself, suppressing myself in rooms I enter, insinuating in subtle and bold ways that

I'm not enough

I don't have what it takes

I don't measure up to them

I should work twice as hard to be better like them

I don't deserve nice things

duh duh duh duh

Meanwhile, I've proved to myself time and again, how impeccable I can be when I give myself a chance. That's always been my problem. I magnify my small shortcomings above my significant accomplishments.

People in my circle consider me as very intelligent, a "go-getter", enjoyment minister and an overall bubbly and interesting person, while I allow my shortcomings to overshadow all this,because in reality I fit almost everything on the list.

So right now, my biggest challenge is to completely cripple self-doubt and commit myself to wholly trusting God, especially right now, when my future looks bleak and I don't have a cut out plan.